Sunday 26 April 2015

Waiting for the swell


When I look at Arlo's little cheeks, or hold him in my arms for one of those long sleepy cuddles that are getting rarer and rarer, or think of his last little life achievement as I gaze out the train window on my way to work, I get that thing that every parent talks about. The big swell of all the emotions and feelings bubbling up in your chest that make tears prickle at your eyes and a big smile spread across your face. All the mums I knew told me to prepare for it, that it would be bigger than anything I'd ever felt, that it was a new kind of love. Grand claims were made, like:

"the moment you meet your little baby for the first time it will feel like your heart breaks because it will just swell to twice the size to contain all the new-found love you will now feel"

"you'll feel like you never loved anything before because this will be actual love"

"forget everything you know now because it won't mean shit once you've pushed a little baby out of you"

I know right? WOW.

So I prepared for it, for the 'swell'. I got ready and couldn't wait for it, but where the bloody hell was it?! For a long time, it didn't come. I feel like now I finally get what it's all about, but I took the long way round to get here.

I'm not saying I was unhappy when he arrived, quite the opposite. I wouldn't say I was depressed, although obviously there were a fair few weepy moments. I think I was just a bit numb. Overwhelmed. Happy but blindsided. I spent all my time trying to do all this 'parenting' and figure it all out, and along the way I forgot to stop and enjoy it. Think about it. Try and feel some feels. 

So now, when I stop and think about how far we've come, or have a moment where I feel I'm about to burst with pride because Arlo can say his own name (he can now and it's the best thing I've ever heard) I think I feel doubly happy because now I 'get it'. The thing everyone said I would 'get'. Better late than never.

Arlo, I promise I'll make up for it from now on. I've spent a while feeling guilty for not being happier when you were teeny tiny, for not appreciating you as much as I felt I should, or really making the most of my maternity leave, but I've decided to stop. To draw a line under feeling guilty, move on, feel happy to be where we are now, and generally just get over myself.

So if I could go back two years and give my 'about to give birth' self a message, it would be not to worry about the things I'm supposed to feel, and just go with whatever comes. Not to compare what's happening with us to what other people had going on, just to be. It's OK to feel a bit blue, it's a pretty bonkers thing all in all. Oh and also you really really don't need to worry about taking your make up bag with you when you go into the hospital to give birth, just FYI.

In terms of being in touch with my emotions, I think I'm making up for lost time now though, because I'm writing this on a packed commuter train to Waterloo, wiping away tears and ruining my eyeliner in the process. So I'm going to leave it there. Because smudgy eyeliner is the WORST.



10 comments:

  1. Such a lovely post, it took me a while with the toddler as well, I think to begin with there was total disbelief that this baby came from me. And I'm still in shock that the baby boy is already here! #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much - total disbelief sounds about right, I still get moments now where I look at Arlo and think "how did that happen?!" and he's nearly two now! x

      Delete
  2. Hi, I love the name Arlo! After having my first baby I thought I was odd not feeling an immediate bond with him. It's not that I didn't love him, I did. It was just I expected this big swell of emotion, but the reality of it was I felt over whelmed and inadequate.

    I think that more Mums than we know don't actually feel that swelling of emotion at first and are probably too scared to admit it for fear of judgement. But when faced with the biggest responsibility in the world (a new life), it can be more scarey than heartwarming.

    Than you for sharing your refreshingly honest post!

    #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so nice to hear from other mums that felt the same. I felt like I couldn't really say that for a long time, it's taken a while to be able to say it out loud! When it was all fresh it seemed like everyone else was a super mum, coping perfectly with everything, and I was lagging behind somehow. But now I realise we were all going through the same feelings. It's quite a journey isn't it!

      Delete
  3. Such a beautiful and honest post. It took me a while to feel that 'swell' with my second baby and I spent a long time feeling guilty about it but I think more mums feel that way than admit to it - I agree with Debbie's comment that we fear being judged if we do admit it. Sometimes that feeling just takes a little longer to come, that's all! So glad that you now 'get it' :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh, thank you - it's the loveliest feeling, isn't it? Reading everyone's comments has been so nice, glad to see others have felt the same way!

      Delete
  4. Such a great post, I think we are all told how we are supposed to feel and what we are supposed to do that we get lost in it all.
    It is really overwhelming and everyone's experience of pregnancy, birth and beyond is totally different. I totally agree with drawing a line in the sand as far as guilt is concerned though! As parents we have so much we feel guilty about when we really shouldn't!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree more! I actually wrote a post on the subject of guilt last year because I was finding it so easy to feel guilty about things - things that I ultimately couldn't change - and I realised that instead of feeling guilty about things that could be different, we all have many, many things we can be proud of instead. So less mummy guilt, more mummy pride I say!
      (My post on guilty pleasures is here, in case you fancy a read: http://asunnyisland.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/guilty-pleasures.html) xx

      Delete
  5. How beautiful! 'Happy but blindsided' is quite a way to put it! You know, i don't think the swell thing happened to me too; it helped that I wasn't exactly expecting it. I'm glad that you're reclaiming lost grounds now and feeling your love in the way that gets you. Each one on their own path, whilst being together with others; but we mustn't forget that our experiences are unique to us in many ways. :-) #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for such a lovely comment - it's easy to compare things to what everyone else is feeling/ doing but in the end all that matters is that it's working for you, and it definitely is now :) xx

      Delete