Wednesday, 7 January 2015


So yesterday was my first day back at work after three weeks (three weeks!) off. I had such a weird mix of emotions in the run up. The week before, I was dreading it because it meant Xmas was over and what would we have to look forward to now? Then the weekend before, I felt ready - we'd had a great break and I was excited to  get back to a routine, use my brain for something different, have something to focus on. I usually feel this way about work and I've always been open about wanting to go back after having Arlo and being very happy to be working.

So the way I felt the night before caught me totally off guard. I lost my shit a little bit. Some crying happened - the kind that comes completely out of the blue and surprises you. I had that sad little lurching feeling in the bottom of my tummy and as I searched through my brain to figure out what it was that was making me feel so uneasy I realised - I didn't want to say goodbye to Arlo. The thought of a day apart from him made me feel irrationally upset, which felt quite new. I think it's best described as a 'pang'. A real pang of sadness. Of course I always miss him when I'm at work and look forward to the day ending and seeing his little smiling face at the end of it, but I've never felt quite so strongly about it before. It felt like it was out of control and happening against my wishes. I put him to bed with a heavy heart that evening.

In fact, apart from an initial wail as I said goodbye at the childminder's (which felt like a pick-axe to the heart), Arlo ended up having a brilliant day at the childminder's, and I ended up having a brilliant day at work too. I was super-productive, felt very chipper, and crossed EVERY SINGLE ACTION off my to-do list. Can't say I've ever done that before!

So we have to take the pangs with the highs, because it all evens out in the end. Somehow we make work work for us, and that's all we need.


  1. I'm really feeling the pang feels right now - less than three weeks of mat leave left. Too soon! Too soon! I'm using denial tactics at present ;)

    1. Eee - it comes round quick, doesn't it?! For me, the thinking about it is always worse than the actually doing it. Good luck! xx