Eeking out Romjul

My favourite Christmas decorations from all I've spotted out and about - the Momins in the window of Brill, EC1R.

Oh hello there - sorry things have been a bit very quiet over here lately, we've just been enjoying a good old Christmas break. Christmas with a toddler that understands what it's all about for the first time is just so magical. Sat on the sofa on Christmas Eve, out of nowhere, this little exchange happened:

Arlo: thank you mummy
Me: for what?
Arlo: Christmas

Not ashamed to say I shed a small tear - it's been a really lovely break, and just what we all needed.

And in particular we've been having a wonderful Romjul (I've just found out what that means, and I love the concept - you can see more info here). We got back home from London the day after Boxing Day and since then we've been lost in a lazy, what-day-is-it / is-there-any-chocolate-orange-left / shall-we-have-an-afternoon-nap kind of time, and it's been wonderful. So more exciting blog-type stuff to come, I promise - for now, I'm off to eek out the last few days of Romjul.

Happy New Year everyone!

Life lately - am I a bad blogger?

Things have been a title quiet round here lately. I mean right here on A Sunny Island, not in actual real life, because actually everything else has been pretty bonkers lately, which probably explains it. I've felt a little bad to be honest. Like I've neglected the blog a bit and not been doing all my 'blogging duties' - writing regularly and keeping up to date with all my other favourite blogs and being really good at social replies etc etc. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Part of me thinks I should be better, then another part reminds me that hang on, I only really am doing this for myself and if it's not fun, then why do it? One thing I always promised myself was that if I fall out of love with blogging for bit, or life comes along and gets in the way, that I won't feel bad, or try and make up for it with rushed posts just to 'fill' it - I only ever want to write because it's fun and I have time to sit and relax and share something. That's why some posts have had long gaps in between lately. It's highly likely no-one even noticed anyway!

So what's been happening around here? Might be quicker to list what hasn't been happening around here, like: clothes washing, proper cooking, sleeping, that kind of stuff. It's been a funny old month which has mostly consisted of:

• CAR STUFF: god I hate car stuff. We spent one dramatic Sunday afternoon stuck on the forecourt of a Sainsbury's petrol station with flumes of grey smoke billowing out from our car bonnet. After a long wait the mechanic told us what we'd been suspecting for a while - it's time for a new car. We'd been piling money into the old one to fix one thing after another and it was time to cut our losses. So we tried other cars, found one we liked, and I did a little silent sigh to myself as I handed over the credit card and paid the-most-I'd-ever-spent-on-anything-ever-in-one-go (not counting the house, because that just feels like Monopoly it's such crazy money) and now we have a new one. So after quite a few weeks of general car 'faff' it feels nice to have it sorted. 
• YET MORE CAR STUFF: something else has been happening over here this past month too. I've finally done it. I've got back into a car and attempted to drive it. This time no-one beeped at me or drove into me or anything (unlike many of the other times when I tried it the first time round, when I was seventeen and wore enormous flared corduroy trousers. I wonder if those two things could be connected?) so I consider this new venture a success so far. I really feel like driving has been my Achilles heel for all this time, so I'm hoping I can finally pass this time round. Besides, as my mum thoughtfully pointed out, "how many idiots do you know that can drive? You must be able to pass!"
• AND SOME HARD STUFF: we've been going through a really difficult phase with Arlo when I drop him at the childminders, he's been getting so upset. He's had clingy phases before but nothing as bad as this, lots of tears and holding on tight and it is the singularly Number One Most Horriblest way to start a day at work. So that's been quite hard BUT (and I almost don't want to say this because I don't want to jinx it) when I dropped him off yesterday there were no tears, he said good bye and then wandered off to start playing with something that caught his eye (I didn't see it but bets are it was elephant-shaped) so I'm super hopeful that phase might be ending. 

I don't want this to feel like a neggy round-up of 'bad stuff that's been happening lately' because actually all of the above are total par for the course and nothing in the grand scheme of things. So I'll finish with an arbitrary list of stuff that I'm thankful for right now, at this very minute: winter woolies, The Apprentice, moisturiser, Fridays, naps, wood fires, how much Arlo loves his animal pals and the lovely people who write lovely comments on my posts and give me the warm and fuzzies on the regs (if that's you then BIG love).

Where we walked this weekend #4 - the beach edition

We spent a nippy but sunny hour or so on the beach this weekend, strolling, paddling, drawing in the sand. Our little tradition of a walk each weekend is becoming one of my favourite parts of the week because we get to visit a different bit of the island each time. This time it was a far away corner we haven't visited since Arlo was a teeny tiny bundle in a baby sling. This boy's getting so big lately I feel like I can't keep up, it's like we're on fast-forward. If anyone can remember where I left the remote please tell me. I wouldn't mind pausing for a bit and staying as we are for a while.

Where we walked this weekend #3 - the 'sorry it's late' edition

When I talked about our intention to go on a family walk every weekend this Autumn, each time to somewhere different so we'd see and appreciate more of the Island, I did it on here so that we kind of had to stick to it, and that's why I'm so keen to show that we're actually doing it - because we are! In fact, this walk was from a few weekends ago now, but things have been so busy around here that I've not been quite up to date with posts and things so I'm playing a bit of catch up now.

So this walk involved a walk down a hill, past a lighthouse, and down to the prettiest little bay with barely anyone on it. We ate a picnic at the bottom of the hill, looking out at the handful of people in floating around under the sun in their canoes, wishing we were too, then went to investigate rock pools, which Arlo loved. The beach (or more accurately, "beesh", as he puts it) is his absolute favourite at the moment, which is pretty lucky considering we live on an island that's totally surrounded by them. Of note: the weather was totally amazing, summer's not over yet! Plus, we marched all the way back up the hill in one go without having to stop for a little rest (the usual option), which we were pretty pleased about. Planning for future walks to be less uphill where possible.

Where we walked this weekend #2: The Cumberbatch edition

Slightly later than I'd hoped this week (MEGA busy week happening over here!) but better late than never, I wanted to share some pics from our latest walk - we're trying to fit in a different walk every weekend to see more of the beautiful place that we live, because let's face it, it's easy to forget sometimes.

So this weekend we headed over to Mottistone, which is famous for two things; Being the site of the Long Stone, two standing stones (one no longer upright) that mark the spot of an ancient burial ground, so legend has it. It's a bit magical and one of the most visited spots on the Island and sometimes druid gatherings happen there in a stone-henge-solstice kind of way. The other thing it's (now) famous for is being the spot where Benedict Cumberbatch got married earlier this year on Valentine's day, and closed all the roads so the locals got annoyed but brought lots of celeb pals with him so we all got a bit excited like when my mum's friend said she was sure she saw Keira Knightly in the Freshwater charity shop on the morning of the wedding and I said I wasn't sure because it's a pretty rubbish charity shop as charity shops go, but she swore it was her and she was having a good rummage, but then I saw somewhere that she couldn't make it because she was in LA filming but really wanted to believe it could be true and told people anyway.

But I digress. Cumberbath conubials aside, it's a pretty magical place, one we've visited for years and years since I was little, so I was pleased to take Arlo along for an explore. On the walk up through the woods to the standing stone, we discovered all manner of things that kept him busy - shiny iridescent beetles, flowers, lots of blackberries for picking, soft feathers and sticks of various sizes (Arlo currently pronounces 'st' as 'd'. Imagine the lols).

On the way back, we heard the faint sound of the Bestival coming over the hills and for a second I felt a little pang as I remembered that was me about 8 years ago, having fun in a field wearing a pirate hat or something ridiculous, and now I was here, wearing sensible walking shoes (Alex made me buy them. I still maintain that Converse All Stars are adequate footwear for any terrain, but he kept going on about 'ankle support' so I caved and bought some. They're so ugly, but strangely comforting to wear, it's like my ankles are being cuddled, quite nice). But that pang went very quickly as I looked down at a muddy little child, holding  a squishy handful of warmed blackberries. He closed his eyes and started to count to three, to let me know he wanted to play hide and seek with me. So I hid (badly) behind the closest tree, listened to his giggles and waited to be found. It was honestly more fun than I ever had at any Bestival.



Oh, and there's an INTERESTING FOOTNOTE to this post: after the walk my sis excitedly told me that the Cumberbatches had been back in Mottistone on that very day, to christen their son at the same church (no road closures this time I'm happy to report)

Where we walked this weekend

There's nothing like missing something to make you appreciate it, is there? Since we got back from our holiday in Wales, where we did lots of walking and general appreciating of the scenery, it's like we have a new-found love for this island we live on. Just like when we lived in London we hardly ever went to the museums, we realised we don't spend enough time out appreciating all the lovely bits of the Isle of Wight. So our plan for Autumn is to do a different walk each weekend, to take in the scenery and appreciate this place we live. This was our first walk, in Newtown, where you walk along a long long jetty to get to a harbour filled with lots of sweet little boats. On holiday we would've sought this out, loved the walk and said things like "oh imagine living somewhere as pretty as this!" turns out we do - we just needed to look.

Back to school

I'm not sure you ever really lose that 'back to school' September feeling at this time of year. Tomorrow is my first day back at work for over two weeks and it feels like a lifetime since I was last in the office. Just like lots of teachers and school kids this week, I've been getting myself prepared for the first day back tomorrow. When I was eleven years old, this ritual used to involve fastidiously packing and repacking my pencil case, laying out my uniform at the bottom of the bed, and setting my alarm (and by that I mean an ACTUAL alarm clock, not just a phone setting) a good 30 minutes earlier than was actually necessary. This time round, getting prepared basically means making sure various electronic items are charged and ready to go, but the essence of the ritual is the same (and I've planned out my outfit in my head at least - don't think I'll ever stop doing that).

While last week I was dreading going back to work and our holiday coming to an end, I have to secretly admit that (whispers) I'm actually looking forward to it a bit. It's been wonderful to be off, but it's been long enough. We've been lovely and lazy, but I need a bit of drive now. I have space in my mind to fit in some other stuff. I can't wait to get on the train and read my emails and get back into everything, safe in the knowledge that Arlo is happily playing with all his little mates at the childminders. I know it will make me happier, and will make our next day together even better for having missed each other a bit. That's the thing - there's nothing like a bit of time apart to make the time together feel really special.

So bring on the working week please - after all, the sooner we get to it, the sooner the weekend will come.

The view from our holiday

Oh hi there, sorry for the radio silence around here of late, we've been away and getting right into holiday mode for the last two weeks, i.e. not feeling like doing much. I've had a break from work and blogging and clothes washing and setting an alarm and all the usual stuff, and it's been brilliant to break the routine and chill for a while. I don't want to wang on too much about our family holiday and all the things we got up to, but here are a few snaps that I captured along the way - is Wales pretty or what?! We had a few gloriously sunny days, a lot of very rainy days, and a few in-between grey days, but every single one was lovely. Two whole weeks of proper family time, and not even the sun getting his hat out could've made it better.

Dressing Arlo - is it Autumn yet?

As I write this, I'm looking out of the window to see a lot of rain. A LOT. We're in Wales. The first three days of our holiday have been absolutely gorgeous weather - perfect sunny beach weather with not a cloud in the sky - so I guess the law of averages would say that we're due a rainy day. It's got me thinking of Autumn, which is just round the corner. Judging by these clothes Alex picked up for Arlo (all from John Lewis, in case you're interested), he's thinking of Autumn too. Of wooly jumpers, Autumnal colours, and needing long sleeves rather than short ones. is it Ok to admit I can't wait?

Out of office

This boy...  some pics of a grey day we recently spent roaming around our local cemetery. It's very pretty and car-free which makes it a good place for Arlo to explore, so I hope that doesn't sound too weird a hang-out spot! Arlo's love of animals has spread into his clothing and he has some real favourites that he always asks to wear, including this tee covered in little jungle animals - wrestling this off at the end of the day for bath time is not fun!

In other news, I just put my out of office on, as we're off on our holidays this weekend. Two whole weeks off work. Two weeks straight of looking at this face. Lucky. Not sure how much blogging that means will be happening around these parts, I'll just be doing whatever feels right. For me, 'whatever feels right' probably includes things like: reading magazines, having brunch, going to the beach and generally just having a bit of a lounge at every opportunity. For Arlo, 'whatever feels right' will most likely be wearing this animal tee shirt for two weeks straight. But each to their own.

The barrenness of busy

"Beware the barrenness of a busy life" - Socrates. I saw someone post this on Instagram yesterday and it's been popping into my head ever since. I reckon he was on to something. This last month has felt very busy, and now I come to think about it, it's felt a little barren too. Lots going on, but not so many things that I actually want to remember. Many things happening, but few lasting memories. Alex and I have both had very busy work months - he's been working weekends to make up time on a big job that's just been finished, and I've had a lot of long days in London which have seen me creep out of the house before anyone wakes up, and creep back in again to find everyone tucked up in bed already.

So July's felt like a bit of a hard slog, but I'm so hopeful for August to come and be all kinds of nice to make up for it. Alex's big job is now finished, so he gets his weekends back, and we're both on official count down to our holiday at the end of August - two whole weeks of not very much stretching out in front of us, not very much 'busy', but more 'lazy', which I think are the best times of all.

Today was our first family day together for weeks, and we made the most of it. I'm writing this on the sofa next to a little boy who's snoozing away, totally knackered after a morning spent on the beach. Considering we live on a little Island surrounded by beaches, we hardly ever go. I plan to rectify this from now on, because we had so much fun today. Buckets and spades were purchased. Sandwiches got sandy. Body parts were buried in the sand. Lots of giggling happened. All the good beach things.

Then this afternoon we hung out with the type of friends that crossed over from the 'friend' category into 'family' years ago. Friends with lots of kids that all became a little gang of pals of various ages, with Arlo the littlest trailing along behind them, trying to keep up. More giggling happened. And some swimming. Also a below-par attempt at completing the Observer cryptic crossword. And now we're home and Arlo is snoozing and we're making burgers. Beat that July, you long-and-fairly-boring month! And hello August, very happy to see you, let's make this month less busy and more lazy please. Because that's when the best stuff happens.

Making new traditions

I love it when something unexpected becomes a bit of a tradition. Three years in a row we've gone with my sister to watch her other half play cricket on the village green of the sleepy little village we grew up in. The first year, Arlo was a tiny new-born that we all took turns holding and staring at, the second year, my sister had a new-born of her own, and Arlo practised taking wobbly steps, and then this time round we had two little toddlers running around and causing havoc. This year we: fed ducks, played in the park, ate animal biscuits and tried to join in with clapping the right players at the right time. I hope this is one that we do year after year - who knows what next few visits could bring?

Why good friends are just the greatest

I spent the happiest morning I've had in a while this weekend, just watching these two play in the garden. They've known each other since they were teeny weeny, probably about two months old, where they met in a baby massage class that Arlo used to fart his way through like a trooper. Luckily it didn't put little Isla off, because they've been best buddies ever since.

Over the last two years they've had all kinds of fun together (you can see some of their escapades - and marvel at how much they've grown! - here) but I don't think they've ever got on as well as they did today. They shared and helped each other, chatted and bossed each other around, it was so sweet. And particularly nice for me and Isla's mum because we got to have a proper catch up without having to stop to yell things like "DON'T EAT THAT!" and "SHARE!" every five minutes. I hope these two will be buddies for a long time, just like I hope me and Isla's mum will be pals for a long time, having shared many a bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived day together in the early baby days. The days where all we could do was mainline coffee and tell each other "this won't last forever" (which it didn't, thank absolute F).

In other friend news, I met up with an old friend from school this week. Soz for the cliche, but he really is one of those pals where "a year can go by and you feel like no time has passed at all". Wanky as that sounds, I know this to be true because it HAD been over a year since we'd seen each other, and it WAS just like  no time had gone by. It was brilliant. I left our dinner with a spring in my step, big smile on my face, and little hearts where my eyes should be. It was this, plus watching Arlo play today that made me realise so acutely what I want for him when he grows up. And it's not necessarily a good education, well-paid job, blah blah blah - I want for him to have brilliant friendships. People he can be 100% himself with. That he can share the dark times as much as happy ones. Mates that pick him up and make him smile. And that allow him to be a brilliant friend back - to listen and support and look after when they need it too. Because aren't good friends just the greatest?

Sometimes you teach your kids things along the way, just by being you, and they pick up on them in the magic way that they do. Other times I think it's worth stopping and telling them straight the things that are important. This is one of those things that I want Arlo to know, and plan on telling him just as soon as he might answer me with something other than "choo choo!". So I plan on telling him: Good friends are important. Be one.

Back to life...

You know that thing that happens on holiday at some point when you start referring to your hotel room or apartment as 'home'? Well that happened very early on while we were on holiday this week. We had a little two-bedroom cabin booked in the middle of the woods, and after about half an hour of us unpacking, including Arlo covering the floors in train tracks and us filling the fridge with essentials (milk, prosecco), it felt just like home.

So, now that we're back home home, and back to reality - like both of us back at work next week, and needing to do about five loads of washing, and something in the bin smells really bad - I just want to say 'bye' to our temporary little home in the woods. Bye to a week where I didn't wear a watch because there was no need to know what the time was at any point. A week where a lot of laughing happened. Where it was more than acceptable to drink a bottle of prosecco a night. And hot tub relaxing happened on the regs. Sigh.

It wasn't exactly a jam-packed holiday, and we didn't do lots - some hours were whiled away watching cartoons on the sofa, we spent a lot of time drawing elephants, and wooden train tracks needed rearranging often. But whatever we did (or didn't) do all week, we were all together. One whole week spent just the three of us. We all needed it. And Arlo loved it. No-one had to leave, we didn't need to wave anyone off to work, or drop anyone anywhere for the day. It was just the three of us, doing whatever we felt like. So bye, and BIG THANKS to our cabin home in the woods.

HB AW

Well, another year has passed, this guy turns two years old today. We had a family get together yesterday with two cakes (one cake per year - I might regret making that a tradition as the years tick by!) and today we're off to Arlo's spiritual home, aka Peppa Pig World for a special birthday treat with just the three of us.

The trip to see Peppa et al is kicking off a week's holiday in the New Forest, our first ever trip away as a family. So if things are a little quiet around here, that's why. We'll be in a little cabin in the woods, finishing off leftover cake(s) and generally having a bit of a relax.

So Happy birthday Arlo, thanks for being the funniest and sweetest boy. I love you so much I'm willing to endure the Peppa Pig theme tune on repeat for the next six hours. That's pretty big.

Now we are one

Archie and Arlo share lunch

The birthday boy

"Happy birthday Archie!"

Tired on the train ride home 

This weekend we assembled at my sister's house on the mainland to celebrate my nephew Archie's birthday. We sang, drank, laughed, played and ate cake in the sun. Arlo was a little bit mischievous, taking over quite a lot of the present-opening duties, and a lot sweet, giving his cousin kisses and cuddles. TOP MARKS to my sis, who like me does not possess a natural affinity with baking, but made the most delicious Victoria Sponge this side of Osbourne House (that's a bit of an Isle of Wight reference for you). Happy birthday lovely Archie!

Our brilliantly middle-aged weekend

I really enjoyed writing last week's little weekend post because it made me stop and think about all the things that happened, rather than it all whizzing by as we prepared for another week to begin. So I thought I'd do another today as we seem to be cramming loads of good stuff into our weekends at the moment. Although as I think back over the last two days, I see a pattern forming. It was decidedly middle aged. Here's a selection of the things that happened:

• We went bird watching. Kind of anyway - the first picture above is Alex and Arlo emerging from a twitching hut (is that what they're called?!) after we had a little look in as part of our bike ride this afternoon.
• I mowed the lawn. And afterwards I said something along the lines of "well that was very satisfying"
• We dawdled our way round a garden centre.
• We listened to the Archers omnibus. I've surprised even myself.

But it was totally brilliant and I loved every minute of it. Not pictured above: lunch at the best burger place on the Island, picnicking in the sun, taking lie-ins in turns, playing in the garden, back to back Mad Men, exciting vintage furniture finds. 

Weekend highlight: learning how being out and about on a bike is like being part of a cool club, because everyone on a bike says hello to everyone else on a bike, it's so nice. And these are actual proper cyclists, the kind that wear lots of lycra and neon and have little bicycle nap-sacks and stuff. As opposed to the three of us, winding down the road with Arlo in his little kids seat and smallest-child-helmet-you-can-buy, singing the wheels on the bus, me screaming out things like "WHICH SIDE OF THE ROAD SHOULD I GO ON NOW?!" and "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO INDICATE!"

We did some good weekending. Hope you all did too! 

Things I'm thankful for - the election day edition

It's been a while since I've done one of these posts, but I've woken up with such a buzz today because I bloody love election day. We all should. We're lucky enough to live in a democracy and we should all exercise our right (and responsibility) to have our say and input into what happens. I'm torn between voting with my heart, and putting a cross next to the party I believe in most, or using my head an making a tactical vote that might not be my first choice, but is a vote against the guys I really don't want to make it in. A lot of that happens here. I think I'll just take a deep breath in the little cubicle at the polling station, and decide on the spot, unless a flash of inspiration hits me in the meantime.

So with a bubbling sense of excitement in my tummy I've been thinking today about the things I'm thankful for - some big, some small, all lovely and important:

• Choices. I have lots. I'm lucky enough to have been born here, in this country, and now, in this era, which means I can choose things which essentially are basic human rights but have been seen previously as privileges and still are denied to lots of people all over the world. Things like; what I do for a job, whether I even have a job, what I wear, whether to go to school (that choice was kind of made on my behalf but I'm glad it was - good thinking mum and dad), who I live with, when to have a child, you know, just little things like that. I can't imagine not being able to choose these things, it seems totally absurd not to be able to, but I'm lucky and wanted to stop and take a moment to remember that and be thankful.
• Time off. Last night I booked what will be our first ever proper family holiday. We have a week off work int he first week of June, coinciding with Arlo's birthday, and we'll be going away. The last time we went on hols the Spice Girls were together (for the Olympic closing ceremony, it wasn't the 90s, that would be ridiculous) so this has been a long time coming. I'd forgotten how ace it is to have something to look forward to like getting away. Can't wait.
• Hobbies. This might sound like a weird one, but for ages I kind of forgot to have any hobbies because I had lots on and trying to fit in a 'hobby' seemed a bit self-indulgent because the other things on my plate were very genuinely important. Things like making sure our baby didn't die / making sure I stayed awake in client meetings so I could make a valid case for getting paid and therefore paying the mortgage. But actually, hobbies are so important! (I'm going to stop using the word 'hobby' now as it's sounding quite gittish, but you know what I mean - something you do that you find fun but isn't essential to your time on earth). Over the last few months they've helped me relax, provided head space, and reminded me how much fun it is to be creative.
• Creativity. Bit abstract I realise, but truly such a mega-important part of life. I saw someone say the other day that "you can't use up creativity - the more you use, the more you have" and his has been so true for me lately. Yes I'm creative at work and that's brilliant but there's a different kind of freedom to being creative for yourself, just because you fancy it. To create something just for the sake of creating, where the process is just as important as the output. I feel like lately I'm bursting with ideas of things I want to draw, paint, write and make... it's just like when I was nine years old and obsessed with Bitsa. In short, it's ace! 

So dear pals, go forth and vote, make choices and be creative. Such ideal ways to spend your time.

Walking this weekend

I've been trying to think of what to write under these photos for a while, but I don't really have words to describe how brilliant this weekend was. Friends, family, babies, dogs, beaches, walks, pubs, drinks and good eats. Best one in a while. Some highlights: seeing Arlo offering Monty the dog a harmonica to play so he could join in with him, helping him change into spare dry clothes and get all cosy in the back of the car after he fell into a rockpool at the beach (felt like a proper mum and dad thing to do), and drinking prosecco three nights in a row. All the best things.

Waiting for the swell

When I look at Arlo's little cheeks, or hold him in my arms for one of those long sleepy cuddles that are getting rarer and rarer, or think of his last little life achievement as I gaze out the train window on my way to work, I get that thing that every parent talks about. The big swell of all the emotions and feelings bubbling up in your chest that make tears prickle at your eyes and a big smile spread across your face. All the mums I knew told me to prepare for it, that it would be bigger than anything I'd ever felt, that it was a new kind of love. Grand claims were made, like:

"the moment you meet your little baby for the first time it will feel like your heart breaks because it will just swell to twice the size to contain all the new-found love you will now feel"

"you'll feel like you never loved anything before because this will be actual love"

"forget everything you know now because it won't mean shit once you've pushed a little baby out of you"

I know right? WOW.

So I prepared for it, for the 'swell'. I got ready and couldn't wait for it, but where the bloody hell was it?! For a long time, it didn't come. I feel like now I finally get what it's all about, but I took the long way round to get here.

I'm not saying I was unhappy when he arrived, quite the opposite. I wouldn't say I was depressed, although obviously there were a fair few weepy moments. I think I was just a bit numb. Overwhelmed. Happy but blindsided. I spent all my time trying to do all this 'parenting' and figure it all out, and along the way I forgot to stop and enjoy it. Think about it. Try and feel some feels. 

So now, when I stop and think about how far we've come, or have a moment where I feel I'm about to burst with pride because Arlo can say his own name (he can now and it's the best thing I've ever heard) I think I feel doubly happy because now I 'get it'. The thing everyone said I would 'get'. Better late than never.

Arlo, I promise I'll make up for it from now on. I've spent a while feeling guilty for not being happier when you were teeny tiny, for not appreciating you as much as I felt I should, or really making the most of my maternity leave, but I've decided to stop. To draw a line under feeling guilty, move on, feel happy to be where we are now, and generally just get over myself.

So if I could go back two years and give my 'about to give birth' self a message, it would be not to worry about the things I'm supposed to feel, and just go with whatever comes. Not to compare what's happening with us to what other people had going on, just to be. It's OK to feel a bit blue, it's a pretty bonkers thing all in all. Oh and also you really really don't need to worry about taking your make up bag with you when you go into the hospital to give birth, just FYI.

In terms of being in touch with my emotions, I think I'm making up for lost time now though, because I'm writing this on a packed commuter train to Waterloo, wiping away tears and ruining my eyeliner in the process. So I'm going to leave it there. Because smudgy eyeliner is the WORST.